LOSING LORI #23 – January 2, 2013

This clock wins life.

Happy new year, you stunnin’ son of a gun, you!


You may have read the blog last week and heard about ‘Bill,’ who turned up unexpectedly at our house on Christmas night. If you didn’t read it, this will make no sense.

Bill left a bag with his pajamas in it that I wanted to return. Neither Bill nor his son Steve have addresses or phone numbers listed, but I remembered Bill was moving to the Canyon Meadows Retirement Residence, so I phoned. I spoke with Peter Roberts there who had heard about Bill’s visit with us and he suggested I drop off the jammies earlier than later. I asked Peter when he’d be in next and he said New Year’s Day, so I popped by.

This is quilling in case you thought I meant quilting.

Peter and his wife, Diane, run the facility and let me say, they’re pretty damn fine people (and I’m totally not saying that because I pressured them to visit the blog, har har). We ended up visiting (mostly laughing) for almost an hour. I’m still considering pretending I am of retirement age so I can merge in at the next dinner seating. I would also offer quilling classes to blend in. Once I gained their trust, I would reveal my age and they would scold me soundly, but let me stay.

Diane asked me what my job was so I told her I’m a comedian. She burst out laughing. So did I, mostly because I still don’t believe it. Peter thought I should come back and put on a show for the residents. I then gave him a serious talking to (and almost a slap) about how I tried that once and the nightmares still haunt me. Any comedian who has had elderly people in the audience (and when I say elderly, MOM, I obviously mean people over the age of 130) knows that if they are not ‘into it,’ their stares and folded arms convey the sentiment “I HATE YOU – GET OUT” more powerfully than anything known to man.

I left a note with the pajamas with my contact information, so I am hoping to find out where Bill ends up. Sadly, the Canyon Meadows facility is a retirement home, not a nursing home, so it isn’t suitable for Bill. Whether or not our paths cross again, I’ll never forget Bill being our Christmas gift this year.

And now back to GETTING HEALTHIER…

Well, okay then!

Have you ever gussied yourself up nicely and gone out feeling confident and together, but when you saw the photos from that day, you bellowed, “WHAT THE EFF?! I THOUGHT I LOOKED GOOD THAT DAY!!” Well, that happened. I started wondering if I had some weird reverse body dysmorphia. After a flurry of Googling, I came across a site called My Body Gallery that shows real women at every weight and height. This is very useful for those of us with body issues (everybody, right?).

Just seeing those photos of myself put me in a funk. I suddenly felt like I had lost no weight at all, which is pretty ridiculous because I’ve lost 46 pounds (ahem… 45). I confided this to my friend Teralyn, a comedian in Edmonton. She has been on a big old weight loss journey as well and has had dramatic success. She suggested I try on my old jeans that are too big and told me to measure myself while holding the tape measure where it used to be. These were excellent suggestions, and I’m grateful. Thanks, Teralyn.

In that same vein, I made a comparison photo. It was gratifying to see a little less chin. Putting my hand up near my face in the ‘before’ pic is a defensive move to try to hide, I assure you.

How about those lines under my eyes in the ‘after’ hey? Truth is, I erased them out of the ‘before’ picture last year, so they’re not new. I just decided retouching wasn’t honest in an ‘after’ pic. Ha!

This week had its challenges. The Vodka & Chocolate Eating Plan tried to rear its drug-addled head a few times. I didn’t always win. But I did my best.

Someone (who was that?) recommended I watch “Hungry For Change” on Netflix, and it was so smart and motivating! It’s about being healthy which I realize is a crap way to market a movie to anybody. Just take my word on this one? Perfect way to get a boost of inspiration for a new year of getting healthier.

Oh fun! I gained a pound! Wooooooo. My explanation, which you didn’t demand, is partly me taking responsibility for vodka/chocolate intake, partly I haven’t had a visit from the #2 fairy today and partly because of my ‘womanlies.’ I am such a knob. But in a positive way, of course. Next week will be better!

Big love,


Pound GAINED this week: 1

Total pounds lost: 45

Update: One thing about the Bill story that baffles me and my friends is the fact that Bill knocked on at least a couple of doors before he got to our house. Lights came on, dogs barked, and people did not open their doors. I understand that safety is first and people must protect themselves and their families, but honest to God, look out the peephole. If you see an elderly man hunched over with frozen glasses, it’s 3 in the morning and he doesn’t have a coat on and it’s minus 25, OPEN THE DOOR. *rant over* xoxo