Hi Sillypants, c’mon in. Let’s put the blankets in the dryer for 10 minutes then wrap ourselves in them then pass out from bliss.

I always wanted a boss like Mr. Grant.

Just got back from a short trip to Minneapolis. I thought of Mary Tyler Moore the whole time and threw my hats everywhere. Just kidding. Hats don’t fit this enormous noggin. While away, I walked, swam, cavorted, frolicked and smiled really big a lot, so I was confident I’d dropped a few butter bombs off my arse. I got on the scale yesterday morning to see a FIVE-POUND GAIN. Now come on! Yes, I had several restaurant meals, but I ordered things like grilled salmon with broccoli. There may have been one night where I devoured a bag of Fritos in bed, but it was a far cry from a 5-pound bag!

Immediately in denial that my actions had anything to do with this gain, I Googled, “weight gain from flying.” Now I am kind of talented at fun things like water retention and swollen ankles from flying, though I must say being 30 pounds lighter really minimized the balloon ankles (patting self on back). Anyhoo, until the moment I weigh myself this morning, I cling to the hope that it’s water and that I’ll be a human sieve until then (forgive the puddles).

I finished that mother of an audiobook, “Why We Get Fat,” by Gary Taubes. God love him, but it didn’t end the way I wanted. Clinging to the hope that it would climax with a chapter detailing all the fabulous foods I should eat, particularly after literally hours of dry information about studies and molecules and triglycerides, I was disappointed that it ended with – to me – a fizzle.

What I took from it? Flour and sugar (simple carbohydrates) spike insulin, make fat cells fatter and are the devil incarnate. The low fat diet craze didn’t work because fat isn’t nearly as evil as sugar. I shouldn’t blame Gary Taubes because the book didn’t end with fireworks. He gave me the information and I can be a big girl and attack the next step which involves downloading a glycemic index app and eating accordingly.

“The Glycemic Index is essentially a tool for measuring the rate at which the carbohydrates in a particular food are absorbed into your bloodstream.  The more rapid a rise in blood sugar, the higher the Glycemic Index number.”  So there.

It may very well be that I’m in a transition from counting calories to possibly not counting calories but changing food choices. I face this with a bit of trepidation as it’s a rather significant shift in thinking and it’s something I’ve never tried.

Go B.O.!

Before I get on the scale and face a possible gain, I’ll celebrate this – so far I have:

Lost 5.5 inches off hips

Lost 7.25 inches off waist

Lost 2 inches off neck

“But Lori, what about your nurturing bosom?!” Fret not! It’s still lovely, but they don’t offer an option to track your bosom/chest measurement on My Fitness Pal, so I ignore my ‘girls’ (because nobody else can – whaaaaat?! *JK*).

And now, the moment of truth. Oh dear lawdy, thank the heavens above. A .5 slather of mayo has been shed from my zaftig silhouette. It’s freaking bizarre to me that a 2.5 hour plane trip and the resulting water retention added up to FIVE POUNDS. What am I? A GD camel???

Speaking of the zombie apocalypse, perhaps it’s an advantage to be a camel. Also, I recently watched every episode of The Walking Dead and wonder if in the same circumstances, would I be the warrior woman or the woman doing laundry. Trick question. Neither. I’d still be a comedian. Those people are intense. They need a laugh.

Love you,

Lori

Pounds lost this week:  .5

Total pounds lost:  30.8