Heeey! Come in, come in. You look good. Stop getting Botox. Oh wow, I just remembered I had a dream last night. I was offered Botox and I said no. Phew, smart even my dreams, baby! Of course, had it been a dream about a breast lift or tummy tuck, I may have violently tackled everyone in line ahead of me for the first spot. Just kidding. I don’t want a tummy tuck now. Still too much tummy. I hate the word tummy. It should be reserved for 3 year olds who have ‘tummy aches.’ After the age of 3, it’s your stomach, your belly, or in my case, my Barrel of Seduction.
Speaking of my fetching features, I appear to be pregnant. Please send flowers and 1/8″ quilling paper – stat. Okay, I’m not pregnant. Believe me, I don’t want to talk hernia post-op details any more than you do, but since I look like I’m carrying twins above my belly button, I must speak. Without getting too graphic, it’s post-op fluid build up called a seroma, which is where The Knack got the 
idea for their 1979 hit. I’m going to the surgeon this afternoon where, if my plan comes to fruition, he’ll haul out the Hoover and I’ll walk out looking like a cheerful deflated balloon.
“Hey Lori, do you feel different having lost 17 pounds?” UM, IT’S 17 POINT 3 POUNDS! What is wrong with you, minimizing my hard work? I wish I could say yes. I’m not a dolt. I realize that when one has so much to lose, the first 17 POINT 3 isn’t going to make a dramatic difference. My hope is that after the seroma, aka ‘the twins’ have been taken care of, I’ll feel like the twig I truly am. I would really like to try on some jeans to feel the difference. If I wore jeans right now, I could smuggle Twizzlers in my jean imprint. And then die from hypoxia.
* graphic update * I’m just back from the surgeon’s office where I held him responsible for ‘the twins.’ He said I could wait for the fluid to go away naturally – anywhere from 1-4 weeks – or he could try to aspirate. I opted for ‘get rid of the twins!!!’ After two excruciating jabs including changing of angles several times with needles roughly the size of, oh – spears, barely anything was coming out. FML. He said the fluid could be very deep and/or walled off. I can now opt for an ultrasound with spears or waiting. I’m waiting. I don’t care if I look pregnant. I draw the line at spears. Also, FML. This won’t seem so bad in the morning. Thanks for allowing me to whine.
MAMA!
I’m flying west tomorrow to do some Vancouver shows. I am very excited especially since it’s with two of my favourite funny men, Brett Martin & James Ball.
I’m even more excited that I’m staying with my Mom while I’m there! She loves me. She’s a babe. She also makes me delicious healthy food. Some of you have noted her awesomeness in the comments section. Some of you have expressed your wish for her to adopt you. The answer is yes, particularly if you enjoy cleaning, serving drinks, cooking and pampering a mature woman. My Mom may also have some demands.
I’m hoping for a skookum loss this week since last week, I realized later, I was about to have my Special Time. I am certain you neither wanted nor needed to have this information. On the other hand, maybe our periodicals are in sync. OMG, could you imagine? *squeal* We’re probably sisters.
Going to the scale (secretly afraid ma ma ma my seroma weighs 27 pounds) and the news is: 4.8 pounds lost! Bouquet, sash and tiara manically adorning my svelte frame while I wave gracefully and my mascara goes Alice Cooper in an ugly yet oddly arousing sob.
Thanks so much if you’re reading this, or even if you’re just staring blankly at it wondering how you got here when you were merely searching for pants with Juicy written on the bum. I look forward to our dates… but not so much as to frighten you or move too fast. I’m cool. Totes cool. Hold me.
Love,
Lori (MyFitnessPal: lorihasfun)
Pounds lost this week: 4.8
Pounds lost to date: 22.1