LOSING LORI #4A – August 23, 2012

I’ve done myself a disservice today. Quite frankly, I don’t know if I’ll post this once it’s done. After the lighthearted attention seeking I’ve been encouraging for the last couple of days, this may seem like a pathetic attempt for sympathy, which is not my intent.

For a while, I’ve been tossing around the idea of doing a mid-week blog about fat hatred. Despite the worlds that the Internet has opened up to us, it has also provided a place where hatred can be found disturbingly quickly. All the social media, for me anyway, has also made me less social. It dawns on me that my commitment to being on Facebook and Twitter appears stronger than my commitment to seeing my friends and family in person. The Internet is always there whether you have hours or seconds to spare. You don’t have to brush your teeth and hair. You don’t feel that subconscious pressure to be ‘up’ to go online. Perhaps I should give my loved ones more credit because I know that they care for me… ‘up’ or not.

Despite having a good post-op night, a sunny meander this morning and friends and family checking in on me, this fat hatred research seems to have cast a pall on everything positive today. I’ve been copying and pasting hateful comments about fat people into a Word document. On one hand, I want to post them. I want people to know that there are people in the world who associate fat people with everything unpleasant and disgusting. I want people to know that that hatred affects me… not often, but I always know it exists.

On the other hand, I have to ask myself what I’d accomplish by re-posting such utter hate into the ether. I’m certain there would be shock value, but that’s not my style. How can you shock a society that has instant access to thousands of Youtube comment fights at any given moment anyway? Perhaps some people would read it and feel sorry for fat people, including me. I don’t want that either. My weight issues aren’t more important than whatever addictions/issues you are dealing with.

After letting the hateful comments into my brain, instead of feeling supported, hopeful and encouraged, I felt guilty. I started Googling about my hernia and how being fat probably contributed to its occurrence. It could’ve been the C-section and gall bladder surgery, sure. But being fat didn’t help. I feel sick having to admit that.

I suppose after typing this, I do know this: I won’t be re-posting any of the hateful comments I found. When I realize what exposing myself to them has done to me in a few short hours, I know without a doubt that I don’t want someone else to feel that way because I repeated them. Instead, I need to give my head a shake and re-focus on the staggering amount of positive things in my life and the fact that I’m committed to a healthier mind and body.

Thanks for letting me work through that, and sincerely, thank you for reading.