Oh, hi! Can you let yourself in? I’m not sure you noticed my constant Facebook attention seeking yesterday, but I just had surgery. Did you just audibly gasp, gently push the hair from my face and fuss over me? Perfection! Just what I wanted. As transparent as my need for post-op company is, I shall not apologize for it. I was going to sum up this paragraph right HERE but I just had a drug-induced long blink and can’t do it. Ha!

Long story short, I had to get my umbilical hernia patched up. It’s a hole in the abdominal cavity. I’ve had it for a year or more, but the wait was long for surgery. It was a good and faithful hernia. It only ‘popped out’ when I was super excited on stage. “Lori, did your hernia pop out?” “No.” “TRY HARDER!”

Judgey, judgey!

Ye olde hernia is weight-related since being a large woman (see photo for proof) can cause one. Either that or it’s my imaginary job at Home Depot delivering paving stones. *update*: the C-section and gall bladder surgery probably had something to do with a weaker abdominal wall as well.

My hilariously funny friend, Kim C. (she’s kind of a huge deal so anonymity is best) accompanied me to surgery. She took a day off work to hang out with me in a hospital. And she left me her iPad to play with all night long! She also says ‘cock’ a lot, which is insanely endearing. Trust me.

The simple day surgery went a bit sideways when Doc discovered I had more of a ‘Swiss cheese’ hernia. So, the surgery went deeper, incision bigger, staples on top of stitches and 6-8 weeks recovery instead of 1-2. They kept me overnight as well. Aw well, go big or go home? *frown*

This has been the first week of LL where I had a comedy road gig, so I made an impressive effort and packed the car with fruit, vegetables and water to avoid the Gas Station Snack and/or Drive Thru Grease pitfall. My friend and comedian, Jeremy Furlong, was with me and we both enjoyed the grub. How was the gig? Thanks for asking. The motel, which is not the one they regularly use (that one was full), was old, from some angles looked like a meth lab, had a very creepy desk clerk who I found IN my room with the door open mumbling, “Flesh air, flesh air.” I assumed he meant “fresh air,” but he was 30 years too late so that night I slept in an ashtray disguised as a horrific motel room. The gig itself was damn fine though. I know because my hernia popped out a little.

Oh! I almost forgot! I decided to measure my neck, waist and hips as per the suggested measurements on My Fitness Pal. I’m excited and frankly puzzled that I’ve lost 1.5 inches off my neck.

Okay, off to the scale. Ouch! My stitches! Bloody hell. Okay, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Well, there it is, folks.

WTF

Apparently I’ve gained the whole 11 pounds back. Aaand, project done. I’m so good at weight loss that I’ve come full circle already. *bowing*

I tried the weigh in half a dozen times but always the same. Considering I haven’t been secretly living on poutine, I’m going to hold the surgery responsible. I did a little Googling about post-op weight gain and it seems to be common. Either that or the mesh they used to patch me up is made of lead. I considered not entering this on My Fitness Pal, but I think I will because I find absurdity amusing.

Thanks for being patient and reading the ramblings of a high housewife. I promise to be off the hard stuff for next week. And here’s hoping for a more accurate weigh in. *grin*

Love,

Lori

Pounds gained: 11

Total pounds lost: zero lol