Hey! Welcome to Week 2 of my 150 pound weight loss adventure. You’re a sweetheart to drop by. Seriously. Help yourself to sugar snap peas.

Here’s some stuff I learned this past week:

1. I can go to a movie and not eat popcorn providing the movie is Magic Mike and I can sustain myself with my own saliva.

2. Fat Free French Vanilla Creamer, ie my Morning Lover, is a two-faced whore. Based on the amount of coffee I drink, I’d say that nasty bitch was insidiously adding about 300 calories to my day. Every day.

3. In the same vein, and based on my somewhat skewed view that drinking coffee all morning and not eating until 2:00 pm would save calories, I discovered that… (oh lord, I feel the lump in my throat forming) … a Tim Horton’s XL double double, ie my On-the-Road Morning Lover, is… (hitch/sob) 250 calories. FML.

4. Pickles and mushrooms have barely any calories, but I still don’t want them together.

5. I’m hypnotizable, a word I just made up. Did it just yesterday at psych (applause). As a first time, we focused on anxiety (no, I’m not always the semi-comatose, laid-back gal you see at cocktail parties drinking martinis and tossing my head back laughing). I closed my eyes, psych talked and we created, for lack of better words, my Happy Place. I liked it there so much that when she was counting back from 10 to ‘bring me back,’ I whined, “But I don’t waaaaanna!” Then I proceeded to burst into tears for several minutes, which I did not expect, but kind of loved because crying is a release and a great detoxifier. She said it happens to some people, but I pretended I was the only one because then I’m Special.

6. 95% of people who go on diets fail. Holy good lawdy. I did not know it was that high. Part of the reason I’d stayed multi-layered this many years is that I’d been a 3-time loser of large amounts of weight, then gained it back plus more. This is called diet cycling and it’s horrible for you.

7. Having ‘binge eating disorder’ (sure, I’ll take a label; why the eff not?), particularly at night, is a fantastic way to pack on a lot of layers in a short time! There I go, overachieving again.

8. Psych didn’t want me to use a scale for fear of becoming obsessed with the numbers. She suggested using my clothing as a gauge of weight loss was a better idea. I explained that as a padded lady, many of my clothes are carefully chosen and engineered to fit me at 5-6 different sizes. She laughed (score). So, I took my measurements and I bought a scale anyway, promising I’d only use it once a week. Today is the day. GAK! Many past weigh-in anxieties and memories flooding in. AGH! Keep it together, keep it together…

9. I won’t pay anyone to lose weight. I won’t pay Jenny, nor Weight Watchers, nor Herbalife, nor the Percocet salesman I invented in my head who has a drive-thru window at Deer Valley Mall. However, I will say that the free app, My Fitness Pal, suggested by several dear friends/fam, is excellent. Give it a shot and make me your friend. I’m lorihasfun.

10. Psych had me fill out a form to determine what activities I enjoy. There were many. Psych: “You enjoy inpatient surgery?” Me: “Um, yes.” Psych: “Why?” Me: “Well, I’m a Mom. I get the day to myself. I’m in bed. I go to sleep, I wake up high and they send me home with drugs. It’s better than a day at the spa.” Psych: [nod]. Note: this is not something I learned, but rather something that amused me for well over an hour.

In conclusion, inferring that any of this had structure, after 1 week of eating less, moving more, getting my head shrunk and using sheer grit sometimes, I lost some pounds. Things that weigh as much as I lost this week:

– a typical human head if you believe Jonathan Lipnicki (not mine; it’s freakishly large)

– a newborn baby

– Lego Star Wars Super Star Destroyer

– a gallon of liquid. I choose vodka paralyzers.

– a big-boned Chihuahua

Did you guess 17 pounds? Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you? For everyone else who was paying attention, I lost 8 goddamn pounds.

Now here’s the thing. I know that one should lose 2 pounds maximum per week. I know that some of you are itching to tell me to be healthy, slow doooown, it’s ‘water weight,’ don’t starve yourself, Lori! Don’t do it. I know your intentions are golden, but it will appear as a golden shower on my 8 pound parade. I promise you this though:

– I did not starve myself nor skip meals

– I exercised 6 out of 7 days, often in blazing heat

– I did not binge at night once

– I ate 1600-2000 calories a day

You know me (or maybe you don’t). I’m an intelligent woman. I want this to be long-lasting. And I love myself.

Now let’s celebrate the crap out of this day, yeah! Hell yeah.

Love you for reading. Leave me a comment. I live for comments.

Lori

Weight lost to date: 8 pounds